if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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