...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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