I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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