Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
