My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
you're hired as official boob wrangler
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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