who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
