put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
