Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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