see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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