Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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