Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
