Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
