as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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