You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
