I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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