Whod you bang
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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