you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
