I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
third nipple confirmed
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
