how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
