I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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