Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
