Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
