so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
