Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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