I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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