i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
how drunk are you?
Several
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
