No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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