I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
