She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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