Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
