yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can't turn off my feet"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
