I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
