I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
