I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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