I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
