you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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