Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
