Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
