Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
a search helicopter?!
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
