he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
