Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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