I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
