It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
