I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
