1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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