On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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