This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
