If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
