I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
