I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
