If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Randomize
