I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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